I am broken. I feel nothing and two different things at once. I feel selfish, but selfless. I feel generous, but greedy. I feel like this could be the beginning or this could be the end. But beyond crossroads, I feel pain, maybe not for the first time, but I am finally perceiving it as pain. Where have I been? Where did I hide? I buried myself so deep unto myself. I suppressed feelings. I numbed myself. I fronted. I made it look easy. I learned the hard way. In the past, I’ve put myself in positions of trauma and hurt and now I am left with scars.
Scars that I never dared to reveal. Therefore, they became scars that nobody knew I had. That is why people never see me struggle, mad, sad, angry, or fail. People think I’m “lucky”, “spoiled” or someone who just gets her way. But believe me, I have cried myself to sleep on so many nights. Trying to figure out my emotions, mistakes, failures, insecurities, and planning for my future. Trying to get answers to why things happened the way it did or why it happened to me. Fighting demons I never knew existed. Reflecting on my times when I did wrong when I should’ve done right; doing right for the wrong person or at the wrong time.
Today I realized that I am strong because of those lonely nights, because of those tears that tasted so salty when it passed me, because of my past history of being abused, because of traumatic things I’ve witnessed as a child, because of past relationships and through all of those trials and tribulations… this is who I have become.
Being heartless has left me so numb and fucked up. I want to feel again. I want to trust, love, and grow. I want a new feeling. Something beyond me, something deeper than me.