It’s all coming together. (A reflective piece)~

I’m growing. I’m dying. We all are. I’m happy. I love that I can say I’ve been at peace with myself, my loves, and the people around me lately. Being able to take a moment to breathe, to free all thoughts, be mindful and forgiving. I’ve learned how to be still and silent for moments and just be in the present. I’ve learned how to love and to be loved. Before, I was too busy, too distracted, and unconditioned to the love we all deserve and should allow ourselves quite often. Additionally, I’ve been moving forward in my nursing career and now eligible to inquire to my dream nursing jobs and expand my career further. I’ve even thought of grad school lately, but then saw a funny meme that might have represented my friends and I in nursing school so much.

It goes:

“Me: I should apply to grad school.”

“Inner me: You barely survived undergrad.”

However, that has not stopped me from pursuing further thoughts of that inquiry and has afforded me to keep that idea alive.

Above myself and only by the greatness of God, I have also been so fortunate to start a new journey with my best friend and soul mate!!! To be gifted with a soul so sweet and caring, smart and hardworking, a magical sense of humor and owner to a goal so similar to mine; we are ready to build our Powerhouse. I am ready to be loved by a true rider and to love hard.

I am happy because I am no longer in a constraint with myself. I have let go of all negativity and bad energy. I am no longer in an abusive or unforgiving relationship with anyone in this world. By letting God drive the wheel, I’ve gained so much more. More values, more realness, and true love. So much more than I’ve imagined. Thank you.

To be continued.

THE GENESIS: BIRTH OF A GEMINI

 

The long awaited GEMINI is here. Enjoy, luv.

Buzzin’

You said wait, I said how long?

Years gone by and now the vibe is strong. I can’t help but to gravitate. Maintain the gravity and tame the hate.

Inhibited by the light, together we levitate. Shake em, shook em, we are the bait.

Such a high with you, your warm hands on my cold thighs got me deep breathing, loud sigh with you.

I’m mesmerized by your eyes, we talking slow, sippin’ vino. Hate it when I got to say bye to you.

First touch was electrical, ran pass me like blood through a ventricle, spawning like a neurotransmitter emitting signals to its sentinel.

Finger tips tingling, tongue tart, palm sweating, lips curled, eyes shy. Big heart.

First kiss was a peck but none short of impeccable.

Sucking on your bottom lip, everything within reach nothing short of impossible.

You grippin’, I’m drippin’, body real close I can hear your heart beat.

Buzzin’. Buzzin’. Real good buzzin’.

 

 

 

Deep within her

I am broken. I feel nothing and two different things at once. I feel selfish, but selfless. I feel generous, but greedy. I feel like this could be the beginning or this could be the end. But beyond crossroads, I feel pain, maybe not for the first time, but I am finally perceiving it as pain. Where have I been? Where did I hide? I buried myself so deep unto myself. I suppressed feelings. I numbed myself. I fronted. I made it look easy. I learned the hard way. In the past, I’ve put myself in positions of trauma and hurt and now I am left with scars.

Scars that I never dared to reveal. Therefore, they became scars that nobody knew I had. That is why people never see me struggle, mad, sad, angry, or fail. People think I’m “lucky”, “spoiled” or someone who just gets her way. But believe me, I have cried myself to sleep on so many nights. Trying to figure out my emotions, mistakes, failures, insecurities, and planning for my future. Trying to get answers to why things happened the way it did or why it happened to me. Fighting demons I never knew existed. Reflecting on my times when I did wrong when I should’ve done right; doing right for the wrong person or at the wrong time.

Today I realized that I am strong because of those lonely nights, because of those tears that tasted so salty when it passed me, because of my past history of being abused, because of traumatic things I’ve witnessed as a child, because of past relationships and through all of those trials and tribulations… this is who I have become.

Being heartless has left me so numb and fucked up. I want to feel again. I want to trust, love, and grow. I want a new feeling. Something beyond me, something deeper than me.

 

Ego Flip

I have been humbled by the situation and positions I’ve found myself in lately. At times when I have the least, I find myself unveiling this unconditional love for myself. Building this foundation for my growth. Reinventing my strength and courage to reach for a higher state of knowledge, experience, and life. I would also encourage others to take the same approach and reflect on your privileges when you feel less and have less.

Life has hit me for the first time in years. Today I realized that it is okay to not be okay. I learned that you don’t always win every battle. Frankly, you don’t have to win it all in order to win, you know? Don’t we all wish for a Miami Dolphins 72′ outcome for everything we wish for ourselves? It is just in our innate being to expect that result and when we don’t get it, we collapse. In the midst of my challenges, going face-to-face with my opponent, I did not collapse. Instead, I used my situation to allow me to see others more clearly.

I have been constrained by money like most Americans, most college students, and many others dealing with life. However, the difference is I am genuinely happy and my mindset can accomodate some plasticity. I have an amazing support system, a higher education experience, and a great job. I am grateful because my basic necessities are met. Moreover, living in my dream city, being walking distance to my work and clinical placement at Swedish and Harborview, and most importantly a debt-free, loan-free education. Priceless.

However, I see where many do not have the pleasure or privilege to say the same. As I reflected on my situation of living within a budget, I also saw my privileges clearer and the challenges of others got more sharper. As a public health student and aspiring nurse, I am taught to pick up those inequities and meet people where they are in life and help them build from there. Thus, in every unfortunate situation I find myself in, I always negate it because someone out there is dealing with the same thing, but may not have the support system, the education, or the resources to bounce back. These socio-economic disparities put vulnerable populations at more risk than they can understand. As someone who has connections to these resources, I am socially responsible to reflect within myself and to extend help where I can. The lesson here is count your blessings and appreciate situations that humble you. A flip of the ego will keep you grounded.

-T

If you’re listening

I am here to tell you that I am almost ready. I am in the process of finding the process. The right way will prevent egress and exhaustion and therefore, once I am invested I want to be available. Available for the tasks and duties that will occupy me. Available for the people who will react to it, and available for myself to give it my all.

I have a list of these to implement. By now you’re wondering what the hell it is, but do not feel ignored, this isn’t of secrecy, but rather of incompleteness. The void will be filled and you will all be relieved from suspense. So, if you’re still listening. I will be ready.