Mixed feelings in a Pyrex

In the midst of 21 credits worth of homework, papers, and readings here I am finding time to express my mixed feelings swirling in my cerebral. Literally I’ve been catching myself zoning out to my thoughts because it has gotten more and more complex.

It came to me recently that I need to move out of my current apodment in First Hill because of some things that came up. I have acquainted myself to Zillow and other resources in the past few days because it is time for me to start a new beginning, find a new home or flee from the only place I know.

Come June, I have a choice to make. One that will project my next two+ years of life. Once I take the NCLEX in June-July I will also be committing to a nurse residency program or apply to any hospital as a new grad. The question is do I stay in Seattle and do the OB nurse residency program at Swedish or do I embark to another city, work as a RN, BSN and live out my life; at free will, free dom?

One of my dreams as a young girl was to move to Seattle and live in “Seattle”. As a Tacoma southend native, being 45 minutes South of the big city, I always envisioned finding myself here. In a way, I did find a part of me in Seattle, in fact even when I lived in Tacoma I would drive up for all the hip-hop and r&b shows at Showbox, Neumos, Neptune, The Crocodile, you name it. When I was younger my parents would always make the drive to go grocery shopping in Chinatown at Hau Hau market and Lam’s Seafood then we would eat Vietnamese food at Huong Binh and get banh mi’s togo at Saigon deli (the one across from Pho Bac, don’t ever get it twisted with the other Saigon deli around the corner lol).

I also worked as a CNA for a home care agency that literally sent me to client’s homes everywhere in Seattle (more like the whole damn King County). I enjoyed it so much because I met the coolest geriatrics, their pets, and their nice ass homes. I have made memories and moments last a lifetime in so many destinations in Seattle since I moved up here 4 years ago. So in a way, I always have a growing affinity for Seattle; for the food, music, culture, people, and so much more (maybe for another entry). I love Seattle, but is it time for something new? Something not Washington?

This is where my feelings are so conflicted. I do not know what to do. I want to take that leap of adventure and let myself wander into the realm of the real world, with totally new sites, and insight. I want to explore, I crave and yearn for new experiences and learning opportunities. I want to embody life and let it embark itself unto me. I want to feel the sins of the world and spread love. I want to be me. I want to be so unapologetically me for once.

Although you may not know a single ounce of me, it is okay. You never will. However, I would love to hear what you would encourage with good reason(s). Feel free to help me dissolve some of these options, and solidify a few, cause I got too many in this Pyrex glass.

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If you’re listening

I am here to tell you that I am almost ready. I am in the process of finding the process. The right way will prevent egress and exhaustion and therefore, once I am invested I want to be available. Available for the tasks and duties that will occupy me. Available for the people who will react to it, and available for myself to give it my all.

I have a list of these to implement. By now you’re wondering what the hell it is, but do not feel ignored, this isn’t of secrecy, but rather of incompleteness. The void will be filled and you will all be relieved from suspense. So, if you’re still listening. I will be ready.